How To Seem Smart (For Those Who Aren’t)

If you are prepared to improve your standing with your peers with a few simple steps, keep reading this article.

There is the natural tendency in all of us to aspire to be more brilliant than we are. The only problem with this is that we all miserably fail. Because we aren’t as brilliant as we are trying to be, oftentimes we try to fake a level of brilliance that we cannot reach. This is the equivalent of driving down a steep hill in a car without wheels, screeching its way, metal-on-gravel, down towards a cliff edge. If you get the point of this metaphor, then you understand how dangerous pretending can be.

That’s why you need to do it well.

I’ve been thinking it over, and I’ve come up with foolproof methods of faking brilliance. No one will ever find you out.

Here they are:

  1. Use very, very long and complicated words that no one could ever possibly know of or define. If necessary, invent these words. Because this way, there’s no one to critique or correct you, for they won’t have any clue what the heck came out of your mouth.
  2. Spend a lot of time stroking your chin. Also, a very important step to this is tilting your head at a three degree angle to the left and squinting your eyes about two millimeters. This is helpful because if someone catches you in this position they will suppose you are contemplating the true nature of good or the purpose of mosquitoes on earth. Both of those lines of thoughts are normally reserved for the minds of brilliant people.
  3. Wear glasses, even if you don’t need them. Everyone knows that people who wear glasses are smart.
  4. Carry a book with you, preferably a classic. If you happen to carry a comic or a teen novel, there is still hope, but you must be prepared to know every fact about the author and every fact about the publishing company. Note: you don’t have to ever read the books. If anyone asks if you like your chosen book, simply respond: “Yes, very much. It is very intriguing and it gets me thinking.”
  5. Mumble under your breath inaudibly while someone is talking of something scientific or just nerdy in general, as if you know better than him but are refraining from announcing so out loud.
  6. Turn an old painting of Aristotle (or anything Greek for that matter) into the home and lock screen of your phone.
  7. Comment to anyone using anything plastic that they are being environmentally insensitive.
  8. Always use one of these hashtags: #Ivecountedthestars and #philosophicaltoast and #blessed
  9. Humbly admit that Einstein was your great-great-great-uncle.
  10. Lastly, and most importantly, carry a pocket-sized journal in your pocket. And every so often, when a lot of people are around, bring it out and write something short, stowing it away back in the aforementioned pocket before anyone sees your writing. If someone asks what you wrote, respond very slowly and thoughtfully, “It struck me…it just struck me…something very clever. So, I wrote it down.”

This should prove to be very useful in all your endeavors to fake brilliance. Know that you don’t have to do ALL of these things, but picking your two or three favorites should be most advantageous.

Good luck!

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