A Call To Restaurants: No On Spoons

Spoons. Boom. Mind blowing, I know. I could just leave it at that and it would be perfect.  But I won’t, so you’re welcome.

Spoons, as I see them, are a crime against society. There are four kinds of spoons (that I can think of) and here is my ranking of them, most offensive to least:

1: Plastic. Plastic spoons are simply disgusting, especially if you’re eating ice cream, because the un-iced cream stays on the spoon all mixed up with your saliva saying, “Look at me and tremble.”

2: Glass spoons. Technically I think crystal is the more correct term, but they look like glass to me, and we all know, if something looks a certain way, then it is that way.

3: Silver. That would be cutlery, which is what fancy people use. I’ve never used cutlery but I don’t like it, because I don’t like the idea of a snobbish spoon.

4: Good old stainless steel. This is what you would use when you’re camping. This is the only kind of spoon that I will use, and only when I’m eating cereal.

Now, you’re probably thinking, “If we don’t have spoons, how will we eat soup?” The first answer is simple: Don’t. That’s it. Nothing fancy, just don’t eat soup. The second answer is also simple, you use a fork to eat the stuff in the bowl, and then drink the broth. Of course, this doesn’t apply to the kind of soup, say tomato soup, where there is nothing in it, just the sauce. I also have a beef with this kind of soup, but that’s another post.

The way to deal with this kind of soup is to use a straw. Now, apparently straws are banned here in Cali, or at least plastic ones. I suggest using a glass straw (preferably black) or else one of those ones that are made of chocolate so you can eat it afterwards. I would suggest NOT eating the glass straw.

Spoons should be banned. We continually are forced in restaurants to face these horrific utensils and sit in their terrifying presence, and, as the spoon said earlier, “tremble.”

This is a call to all restaurants. Destroy your spoons. Melt them down and turn them into straws, or swords if you want. Do not force us to sit beside them. There are better ways to eat, better ways to slurp, and better ways to soup.

Food for thought.

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