Microwaves Are Harmful POEM

Much debate surrounds microwaves in our day and age. Are they potentially harmful? Most definitely lethal? Nuclear? Radioactive? In league with the Russians?

Rest assured, microwaves do not have telepathy, nor do they swear illegal dictatorship, nor do they sell candy-canes on the corner of 44th Street. And yet it remains hypothesized that Microwaves aren’t the most beneficial or courteous way to vaporize food. Naturally, this knowledge would likely start an American revolution if word ever spread around, so to take preemptive measures, alternatives have been theorized but not yet introduced to the legal markets.

One of the most regarded theoretical alternatives to the microwave is the Food-O-Zap, and economists predict that when (if) it hits markets, the Food-O-Zap will be the top-selling object in America, and, due to it’s inevitable international popularity, will extract American economy out of it’s several trillion dollars in Federal debt; the only drawback would be the hazardous increase of unwanted microwaves in recycling facilities around nation. Stay tuned – you don’t want to be the only person in America who owns a microwave when the time comes to replace it with a brand new Food-O-Zap!

Speaking of which, I wrote a short poem summarizing the drawbacks of the microwave, and the introduction of the Food-O-Zap as a long-awaited-for alternative!


Microwaves are harmful,
Don’t let anyone fool you:
They are full of electricity,
And worst of all, the flu.

But more than anything else,
Microwaves are inactive
In good consumer reports,
And also radioactive.

So if you dare put food
In this hazardous box of metal,
You may as well try something different:
Perhaps munch on a rose petal.

For if you use this thing
And from it hot food eat,
You are as good as dead,
As an unused brown golf cleat.

So if you own a microwave,
If you bought it from a store,
Please just throw it away at once
And we won’t bug you more.

So for your information,
In case you want to clap,
Please try our new product:
A brand new Food-o-Zap!

-Michael Metzler Jr. (Microwaves Are Harmful)

Be aware of your surroundings. Stay tuned for signs of food-zapping life starting up in American consumerism. When the day comes, jump on the bandwagon. Buy the Food-O-Zap and throw away that Microwave.

Until then? Watch your favorite news channel and feel free to use that microwave for easy-to-heat TV-food!

…Food for Thought.

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